Time To Start Again

I am getting to start again, for the fifth time. My husband and I are wanting to expand our little family and have a second child, though at times it seems like it is only me. We have been trying since March. When I say try, I mean going to the fertility doctor. And each try has resulted in a negative test and a lose in self esteem.

Each month I go in, they check for follicle development and for any cysts. I have never had a cyst before until this past month. Talk about a blow to emotions. The thing I want most is a fertilized egg but instead I get a large cyst. They tell me that the cyst is nothing more than a follicle that did not close all the way and it takes a complete cycle for them to go away. Let me back track and say that my chosen profession involves educating young minds and my only time window to try and get pregnant is in the summer. With the development of my cyst and having to sit out a cycle, that puts my next attempt at the beginning of the school year. Talk about cutting it close. I go in tomorrow to see if the cyst in no longer a cyst.

If there aren't any cysts then I get to take medicine and hope that it stimulates more than one follicle. I seemed to have done better on lesser dosages. The higher the milligrams the more my body rounds out, like how I phrased that one, the more emotional I become, and the less it seems to work. The highest dosage gave me a cyst for goodness sakes. I am changing medicines and have opted to go very aggressive and take shots. You know you really want something when you are saying to bring on the shots. No pain, no gain is what I always say.

On the 12th day of the cycle, I go to see how well the follicle/follicles have developed. Silently, I lay there with the prob inserted in me and pray that there is more than one and that it is a go. If all is well, I go home, take the ovidrel shot and go back in the big moment. Then the waiting game begins and two weeks later, a pregnancy test.

This has been my life for the past four months. Am I crazy for continuing this? No! If you want something bad enough you do whatever is necessary and pray daily. Luckily, I am surrounded by my husband parent's love, generosity, and support.

I want to be more aggressive so let's see what more aggressive gets me. Hopefully this month's roller coaster ride will having me laughing at the end of its ride instead of crying.